Current mood: contemplative
I keep getting reminded by individuals who used to be counted as family members that I am unhappy in my life. (personally I think it's just their way of processing things I've said that they can't unhear that strike too close to home, but I digress...) So I got to thinking about an old adage Grandpa Daniels used to say...
If one person says you're a jackass, that's simply their opinion.
If two people say you're a jackass, that's merely a coincidence.
If three people say you're a jackass, it's time to get yourself fitted for a saddle.
So in this little exercise in cathartic self therapy I'm going to explore whether or not I'm happy in my life or not.
It's been a real roller coaster of a ride for the past 10 years of my life. Exciting, challenging, a little bit scary and heart breaking all at once. I won't lie to you, there have been many times I would like to have been in someone else skin other than my own.
I got to play with Depression a lot. Have for the past decade. I've been on meds for it, and although they helped...there were days...
I stopped believing in a god, mostly because of the depth of depression I was reaching on a regular basis. I stopped praying, because I prayed for six months straight when I went to sleep every night, not to wake up. And every morning, I awoke.
They say that god never gives you more than you can handle. In my case, he severely miscalculated... If god was listening, he was saying 'no'.
Suicide has been considered on several occasions. I've done my research, I've found ways that are painless. ( I hate pain ) But the bottom line is that I cannot, will not leave my wife and kids in such a lurch. I lost my father when I was 17 years old. I had to grow up without a father's guidance. I won't do that to my kids. Suicide negates the insurance payoff. (or so I thought at the time... turns out this wasn't the case and my wife just kept the info from me to help keep me around longer) Besides, several family members would be livid with me. Several others would throw a party you wouldn't believe to celebrate that I was finally gone. ( I suggested "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead" be played although I hear through the family grapevine that it's being reserved for Nita when she finally kicks the bucket.)
So am I unhappy with my life? I certainly could be, and probably should be.
But I have the love of a good woman, and three children that I am very proud of. The four of them make my world a terrific place to be. I have extended family that I adore: Jojo, Jim & Gerri, Nikki, Bobbie & Sam, Gary and Sue, Corky & Susan... the list goes on. And two basset hounds that think I walk on water. Although I suspect it's because I feed them. I once heard that "A dog's love in unconditional".
Yeah, as long as you keep putting the Alpo in their dog dish. :)
I blogged not too long ago about what "I wish". I covered a lot of regrets in my life, things I wish I had done differently. Things I wished I had not done at all. For those of you in the know... they had it coming.
I have also been told on many an occasion that I like to wallow. That I like to brood. Sounds so much classier than mope. While I do enjoy the occasional pity party, like the commercial says...depression hurts. Physically. And I do not like to hurt physically. So while it is true that I tend to fret too much for my own good, being enveloped into that black cloud is not fun. And it is very hard to "snap out of it". So while I appreciate comments to cheer up. It's easier said than done. That's why I finally sought medical help for the depression. It was stronger than I was, and I had to finally admit it.
So again, am I happy with my life?
I find that I still find joy in a summer thunderstorm. I look forward to new comicbooks every Wednesday. Every Christmas I get excited about setting up toy trains under the tree. I love scatching behind the ears of my basset hounds and hearing the contented sigh they make.
But am I happy with my life?
I wake up in the morning and look forward to getting out of bed and making my wife breakfast and packing her lunch for work. Knowing that she is heading off to a job that she adores, doing what she has wanted to do for over 30 years. Finally.
My daughter is grown and touring the USA with her boyfriend and his band. Traveling the country and seeing the sights. Living her dream instead of waiting for it to happen. Soon she will marry the man she loves, and she knows true passion in her life.
I look forward to another day with my boys, helping them with their schooling and making sure they get off to work in time. It's not the careers they are waiting for yet...it's customer service. But I know that they will achieve their dreams with a little help and support from their mother and me.
I awake knowing that I get to care for my family, and no longer have to drag myself to a job that I hate, working for a company that I do not respect and wasting 9 hours out of my day that I would rather spend at home with my kids.
And still I wonder if I am happy with my life.
Judging from the silly grin I usually have on my face, I would have to say that I am.
Hee Haw.
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