I'm pretty well known for holding a grudge. Ask anyone. But 2010 opened my eyes to a few things: it's been a rough year. Recently it was brought to my attention that a couple of family members are haboring some mighty strong grudges against me. That's really unfortunate. And the worst part is, they're only hurting themselves.
Holding on to my grudge against my brother cost me any chance at all of developing a friendship with him. And if I had been successful in bonding in some way with him, we might have been able to communicate. Found a solution that might have restored us as a family. Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda. I do that a lot.
So I will say it again. Talk to one another. Talk to me. I don't bite unless unnecessarily provoked.
And although I don't advise it, you can even lead off with an all out verbal assault. Get it out of your system. One of my nephews wrote a song about his feelings towards me. Probably the best I've heard him produce. It opened some doors between he and I, and most importantly, it opened some lines of communication. It's a start.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Good
My brother died the other day.
Good. That's the first word that popped into my mind when the call came. Good.
Good on many levels. Good that he was released from a very painful and lingering death. Good that the ones who still loved him can experience a sense of relief for him being out of the pain. And for some of us, Good that he is finally removed from this plane of existence.
I've talked about the many sins of Michael in the past, I won't go into it here again. You can preview past blogs about him if you want. I lost a brother, or at least the potential of a brother the other day. We have been estranged for quite some time now. Friends have been sending condolences, expressing words of comfort for my loss. Truthfully, I lost Michael a very long time ago. I don't mourn for the man who was never a brother to me, but for what might have been. I never had a really cool big brother, and he missed out on the most awesome little brother ever.
And so it goes... one of the days I knew was coming is finally here. I can't say I have mixed emotions about it, I pretty much knew how I would feel when the day came. I hurt for my mother's loss, as no parent should ever have to bury a child. I hurt for my sister on a lot of levels. Unfortunately, that's about it. Most of his kids killed my affection for them years ago. The two I do have feelings for, Nikki and Brian, are more like my own kids to me than his. Not surprising, as I sometimes feel like I helped finish raising them after he deserted them when they were very young.
We all deal with death in our own way. One of my friends went meltdown recently in regards to the aftermath of Michael's death and how some of the family is dealing with it. I suspect he is still dealing with the recent death of his own mother last year in addition to how his wife, one of Michael's daughters, is taking her father's death. My daughter mentioned raising a glass in toast to Michael's passing, she is glad he's gone. I'm right there with her. The friend got highly offended. Get over it. We all are entitled to our reactions to his passing. The man was a monster during part of his lifetime. You can't really be surprised. And I have no intention of rewriting history now that he is dead, and won't abide any of the rest of the family doing the same.
So here's to you, Michael. 66 years on this earth and now gone.
Good.
Good. That's the first word that popped into my mind when the call came. Good.
Good on many levels. Good that he was released from a very painful and lingering death. Good that the ones who still loved him can experience a sense of relief for him being out of the pain. And for some of us, Good that he is finally removed from this plane of existence.
I've talked about the many sins of Michael in the past, I won't go into it here again. You can preview past blogs about him if you want. I lost a brother, or at least the potential of a brother the other day. We have been estranged for quite some time now. Friends have been sending condolences, expressing words of comfort for my loss. Truthfully, I lost Michael a very long time ago. I don't mourn for the man who was never a brother to me, but for what might have been. I never had a really cool big brother, and he missed out on the most awesome little brother ever.
And so it goes... one of the days I knew was coming is finally here. I can't say I have mixed emotions about it, I pretty much knew how I would feel when the day came. I hurt for my mother's loss, as no parent should ever have to bury a child. I hurt for my sister on a lot of levels. Unfortunately, that's about it. Most of his kids killed my affection for them years ago. The two I do have feelings for, Nikki and Brian, are more like my own kids to me than his. Not surprising, as I sometimes feel like I helped finish raising them after he deserted them when they were very young.
We all deal with death in our own way. One of my friends went meltdown recently in regards to the aftermath of Michael's death and how some of the family is dealing with it. I suspect he is still dealing with the recent death of his own mother last year in addition to how his wife, one of Michael's daughters, is taking her father's death. My daughter mentioned raising a glass in toast to Michael's passing, she is glad he's gone. I'm right there with her. The friend got highly offended. Get over it. We all are entitled to our reactions to his passing. The man was a monster during part of his lifetime. You can't really be surprised. And I have no intention of rewriting history now that he is dead, and won't abide any of the rest of the family doing the same.
So here's to you, Michael. 66 years on this earth and now gone.
Good.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Lullaby
It's time to put something to bed. I've been talking about my brother and his misdeeds for quite some time. I've made my points, discussed the ins and outs of what happened. Tried in vain to convince him that he needed to clean up after himself. I've always known that he would refuse. He's a weak man in all the ways that are important, sadly. It will have an effect of him for the rest of his days. That said, I have come to the realization during my brief stay here in Arizona recently, that Michael may not have been the main problem all these years. I think the problem may come from his current wife, Judy. She's quite upset with me at the moment, following a letter that I sent to her, both at home and to her place of business. Beside a rather terse email sent to me, she sent a letter with a decidely different tone to my Mom. Unfortunately, she's operating on the assumption that Mom is unaware of Mike and Jo's history and what happened. She also, once again, underestimates me and how I operate.
Judy, if you're going to lie about something I've done... i.e. saying I did not put your name on the envelope that I mailed to your place of business, you might want to consider that I made a photocopy of said letter's front before I mailed it. Just in case.
Now mind you, I do appreciate when people hand me things on a silver platter; and Judy jumping in with both feet to prove to Mom that she will lie to her in an attempt to discredit me is beauty. I love when that happens. Makes my job soooooo much easier.
That said, I agree with several friends and family members that I've been talking to over the past week or so that it is time for this issue to be 'put to bed'. Michael will never say I'm sorry. Jojo is at peace with what he did and accepts that he will never take responsibility for himself. The extended family members that were at one time saying that Jo lied have recanted. In essence, my work here is done.
On to the next 'project'... and yes, Judy. You're in my thoughts. :)
Judy, if you're going to lie about something I've done... i.e. saying I did not put your name on the envelope that I mailed to your place of business, you might want to consider that I made a photocopy of said letter's front before I mailed it. Just in case.
Now mind you, I do appreciate when people hand me things on a silver platter; and Judy jumping in with both feet to prove to Mom that she will lie to her in an attempt to discredit me is beauty. I love when that happens. Makes my job soooooo much easier.
That said, I agree with several friends and family members that I've been talking to over the past week or so that it is time for this issue to be 'put to bed'. Michael will never say I'm sorry. Jojo is at peace with what he did and accepts that he will never take responsibility for himself. The extended family members that were at one time saying that Jo lied have recanted. In essence, my work here is done.
On to the next 'project'... and yes, Judy. You're in my thoughts. :)
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Whoa Nellie!
Whoa Nellie!
Current mood: annoyed
Whoa, Nellie!
"And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for those meddling kids!"
An open letter to my brother Michael.
You almost did get away with it, Michael. Almost.
For years now, our family's dirtiest little secret stayed under wraps. Mostly through the efforts of our sister, JoJo. What she did out of love, out of fear and out of concern for your welfare was huge. Sadly, I don't think you ever truly understood why she did it, nor recognized the full scope of what she gave up for you. Her life would have been radically different if not for you. Simply put, Dad would have killed you for what you did to his only daughter. She might as well have saved herself the effort. You've been dead to me for 30 years now anyway.
There is no excuse for rape, Michael. And no mixing of phrases or excuses is going to change the fact that you sexually abused our sister numerous times over a span of several years. She was ten years old when it started…that made you 16 years old. There any number of words that come to mind that could come into play here…pedophile, monster and my personal favorite: Schmuck. As JoJo outlined in her first chapter of "My Story to Tell", you basically pimped her out to one of your friends. You sacrificed our sister's virginity to make a friend happy, instead of standing up for someone you should have been protecting from such an atrocity. Then you started "dipping into the well" shortly after that yourself. Was it convenience? Was it really just a way to strike back at our father in one of the few ways you knew it would hurt him most? Was it a suicide move? He would have ended your life, and that would have torn what remained of this family apart. Your excuse that "all brothers and sisters experiment with sex" is flawed. The percentage of children experimenting is still relatively small and there is usually an element of mutual consent with such experimentation. Do you think Chris and Jena will chalk up it up to youthful indiscretion when James starts bangin' Lorelei to get back at them? (Come to think of it, Jena just might, considering how staunchly she defends your sexual misconduct...)
There is a big difference in what you and your friend did to JoJo. There was no consent on her part. It wasn't sex, it was a powerplay. That's what made it rape. That doesn't justify it or make it right. The cycle of abuse continues in a fashion through your particular blood line. Dan & Nita's kids have abused one another horribly over the years under the pretense that it was always okay because they "love" one another. That crew has always had a fucked up idea of love and respect, but I digress...Although their mutual abuse was not necessarily of a sexual nature, emotional abuse is just as debilitating.
I know that you didn't have it easy with Dad. You pointed this out to me a number of times. Dad was stricter, Dad was unreasonable, and Dad was mean to you. I was the baby of the family, I was spoiled…yada, yada, yada…what Dad was with me was busy. He was always working at the Post Office. When he had down time, he bowled and played golf. He never saw a single performance during the years that I sang and was on stage. JoJo filled in for Dad & Mom when they couldn't/wouldn't be there for me. I understood that Dad needed his personal time because of the long hours that he worked. It still hurt me that my father would not sacrifice some of his own pleasure time to see me perform. I'll never know if Dad was proud of me. However, I knew that Dad loved me. You know as well as I that Dad didn't say it out loud. He was not demonstrative in that way. (And a good part of the reason that I tell my kids almost daily how proud of them I am and that I love them) I learned some important things to do with my family because of my experiences with Dad. All you seem to have learned was how to hurt the ones you love. And yes, I realize that charge can be leveled at me these days as well…the important phrase involved is "the ones you love". I have no love for the DaNita consortium anymore. None of them. What I have these days for them is indifference or perhaps morbid curiosity. That's about it.
This family is in shambles. I take a huge portion of the credit for that at this time because of my activities and commentary dealing with Nita and her girls. I'm at an age where I no longer feel the need to "play nice" in order to maintain some false sense of unity amongst family members. The resentment has been bubbling away for three decades now, and I saw the potential for another three decades of more of the same with your son Dan and his family. I will not allow it.
There was talk a few years ago as to who the Patriarch of the Gervasio Clan was. Several of your kids made the claim that you were, by virtue of your age and position as the eldest son. I challenged the notion, pointing out that Patriarch is much more than a title, and bears much responsibility to the family. Who gets the call when a problem arises? Who visits when it isn't a holiday or when presents are not in the offering? Who did Lucy look to? Who gets the job done? It was never you, Michael. You were always Prince Charles; but it's Prince William that will take the throne.
The solution to the current state of affairs in this family is really pretty simple, Michael.
Accept responsibility for your actions against JoJo. Pick up the phone and call her and tell her that you admit that what you did to her all those years ago was heinous. Admit that there are no excuses in the world which would justify what you allowed your friend to do to her and what you yourself did. Admit your role in devastating her life. You told Mom once that it wasn't your fault that she got fat.
Yes, Michael. It is your fault. And so much more…
Give the woman an apology. She's already forgiven you. And don't let the fact that she has already forgiven you get in the way of what you know you should have done all those years ago. I haven't forgiven you. I really don't care that it is not my place to grant forgiveness. It's high time you were held accountable for your actions. I was for mine. You will survive disclosure.
(Side note: The Supreme Court system is well aware of your activities in the past and then some…All kinds of questions get asked when you are in processing. They wanted to know why you were never charged. I told them what JoJo did to save the family. I told them Dad would have killed you. Thank your lucky stars that Arizona has a statute of limitations for what you did. Otherwise, JoJo could still press charges and I would have encouraged her to do so.)
Update 08/30/10...turns out that Arizona DOES NOT have a statute of limitations for sexual abuse and battery of a minor. Jo could indeed file charges against Michael for the rape and abuses. I don't think she will, however. Michael's health these days is precarious at best. As my daughter put it recently, he has the potential of attacking anyone as your standard potted plant. I thought that was pretty accurate. Still doesn't get him off the hook, however. He's still a child molester and rapist. And worst of all, he acknowledges what he did and refuses to atone or apologize. Some people...
Let's be honest about your health. You're living on borrowed time. That brain tumor should have taken you, but the fates decreed you stick around a bit longer. I personally think you have unfinished business. And I'm pretty sure that unfinished business is JoJo. She's at peace with what you did. I don't think you are. Not in your heart of hearts. I think you still have a conscience buried somewhere deep down. I think you need to make your own peace with JoJo.
Do I expect you to ever offer JoJo an admission of guilt and perhaps a sincere apology? Not bloody likely. Why should you experience such a drastic paradigm shift in regards to your history with JoJo after all these years? I imagine that has been one of the main reasons that you and the majority of your progeny have refused to acknowledge what you did...it was so long ago, why should it matter?
Because it matters to me. JoJo reconciled herself to the fact that you will never take responsibility for your actions. I'm not willing to let you off the hook quite that easily. What you did was wrong. Admit it to her, and then maybe you might be able to finally forgive yourself. I'm no saint, Michael. But one of the main things that separate us is that I did take responsibility for my actions. I will pay the price for the rest of my life for what I did. I can live with that.
I've always wondered...how do you live with what you did? How do you face yourself every day knowing that you destroyed the innocence of a child. That you let down someone who believed in you, that loved you, that trusted you. Ever think that's the secret to your longevity? That you won't be allowed to silently slip away until you clean up after yourself? One can only hope...
Current mood: annoyed
Whoa, Nellie!
"And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for those meddling kids!"
An open letter to my brother Michael.
You almost did get away with it, Michael. Almost.
For years now, our family's dirtiest little secret stayed under wraps. Mostly through the efforts of our sister, JoJo. What she did out of love, out of fear and out of concern for your welfare was huge. Sadly, I don't think you ever truly understood why she did it, nor recognized the full scope of what she gave up for you. Her life would have been radically different if not for you. Simply put, Dad would have killed you for what you did to his only daughter. She might as well have saved herself the effort. You've been dead to me for 30 years now anyway.
There is no excuse for rape, Michael. And no mixing of phrases or excuses is going to change the fact that you sexually abused our sister numerous times over a span of several years. She was ten years old when it started…that made you 16 years old. There any number of words that come to mind that could come into play here…pedophile, monster and my personal favorite: Schmuck. As JoJo outlined in her first chapter of "My Story to Tell", you basically pimped her out to one of your friends. You sacrificed our sister's virginity to make a friend happy, instead of standing up for someone you should have been protecting from such an atrocity. Then you started "dipping into the well" shortly after that yourself. Was it convenience? Was it really just a way to strike back at our father in one of the few ways you knew it would hurt him most? Was it a suicide move? He would have ended your life, and that would have torn what remained of this family apart. Your excuse that "all brothers and sisters experiment with sex" is flawed. The percentage of children experimenting is still relatively small and there is usually an element of mutual consent with such experimentation. Do you think Chris and Jena will chalk up it up to youthful indiscretion when James starts bangin' Lorelei to get back at them? (Come to think of it, Jena just might, considering how staunchly she defends your sexual misconduct...)
There is a big difference in what you and your friend did to JoJo. There was no consent on her part. It wasn't sex, it was a powerplay. That's what made it rape. That doesn't justify it or make it right. The cycle of abuse continues in a fashion through your particular blood line. Dan & Nita's kids have abused one another horribly over the years under the pretense that it was always okay because they "love" one another. That crew has always had a fucked up idea of love and respect, but I digress...Although their mutual abuse was not necessarily of a sexual nature, emotional abuse is just as debilitating.
I know that you didn't have it easy with Dad. You pointed this out to me a number of times. Dad was stricter, Dad was unreasonable, and Dad was mean to you. I was the baby of the family, I was spoiled…yada, yada, yada…what Dad was with me was busy. He was always working at the Post Office. When he had down time, he bowled and played golf. He never saw a single performance during the years that I sang and was on stage. JoJo filled in for Dad & Mom when they couldn't/wouldn't be there for me. I understood that Dad needed his personal time because of the long hours that he worked. It still hurt me that my father would not sacrifice some of his own pleasure time to see me perform. I'll never know if Dad was proud of me. However, I knew that Dad loved me. You know as well as I that Dad didn't say it out loud. He was not demonstrative in that way. (And a good part of the reason that I tell my kids almost daily how proud of them I am and that I love them) I learned some important things to do with my family because of my experiences with Dad. All you seem to have learned was how to hurt the ones you love. And yes, I realize that charge can be leveled at me these days as well…the important phrase involved is "the ones you love". I have no love for the DaNita consortium anymore. None of them. What I have these days for them is indifference or perhaps morbid curiosity. That's about it.
This family is in shambles. I take a huge portion of the credit for that at this time because of my activities and commentary dealing with Nita and her girls. I'm at an age where I no longer feel the need to "play nice" in order to maintain some false sense of unity amongst family members. The resentment has been bubbling away for three decades now, and I saw the potential for another three decades of more of the same with your son Dan and his family. I will not allow it.
There was talk a few years ago as to who the Patriarch of the Gervasio Clan was. Several of your kids made the claim that you were, by virtue of your age and position as the eldest son. I challenged the notion, pointing out that Patriarch is much more than a title, and bears much responsibility to the family. Who gets the call when a problem arises? Who visits when it isn't a holiday or when presents are not in the offering? Who did Lucy look to? Who gets the job done? It was never you, Michael. You were always Prince Charles; but it's Prince William that will take the throne.
The solution to the current state of affairs in this family is really pretty simple, Michael.
Accept responsibility for your actions against JoJo. Pick up the phone and call her and tell her that you admit that what you did to her all those years ago was heinous. Admit that there are no excuses in the world which would justify what you allowed your friend to do to her and what you yourself did. Admit your role in devastating her life. You told Mom once that it wasn't your fault that she got fat.
Yes, Michael. It is your fault. And so much more…
Give the woman an apology. She's already forgiven you. And don't let the fact that she has already forgiven you get in the way of what you know you should have done all those years ago. I haven't forgiven you. I really don't care that it is not my place to grant forgiveness. It's high time you were held accountable for your actions. I was for mine. You will survive disclosure.
(Side note: The Supreme Court system is well aware of your activities in the past and then some…All kinds of questions get asked when you are in processing. They wanted to know why you were never charged. I told them what JoJo did to save the family. I told them Dad would have killed you. Thank your lucky stars that Arizona has a statute of limitations for what you did. Otherwise, JoJo could still press charges and I would have encouraged her to do so.)
Update 08/30/10...turns out that Arizona DOES NOT have a statute of limitations for sexual abuse and battery of a minor. Jo could indeed file charges against Michael for the rape and abuses. I don't think she will, however. Michael's health these days is precarious at best. As my daughter put it recently, he has the potential of attacking anyone as your standard potted plant. I thought that was pretty accurate. Still doesn't get him off the hook, however. He's still a child molester and rapist. And worst of all, he acknowledges what he did and refuses to atone or apologize. Some people...
Let's be honest about your health. You're living on borrowed time. That brain tumor should have taken you, but the fates decreed you stick around a bit longer. I personally think you have unfinished business. And I'm pretty sure that unfinished business is JoJo. She's at peace with what you did. I don't think you are. Not in your heart of hearts. I think you still have a conscience buried somewhere deep down. I think you need to make your own peace with JoJo.
Do I expect you to ever offer JoJo an admission of guilt and perhaps a sincere apology? Not bloody likely. Why should you experience such a drastic paradigm shift in regards to your history with JoJo after all these years? I imagine that has been one of the main reasons that you and the majority of your progeny have refused to acknowledge what you did...it was so long ago, why should it matter?
Because it matters to me. JoJo reconciled herself to the fact that you will never take responsibility for your actions. I'm not willing to let you off the hook quite that easily. What you did was wrong. Admit it to her, and then maybe you might be able to finally forgive yourself. I'm no saint, Michael. But one of the main things that separate us is that I did take responsibility for my actions. I will pay the price for the rest of my life for what I did. I can live with that.
I've always wondered...how do you live with what you did? How do you face yourself every day knowing that you destroyed the innocence of a child. That you let down someone who believed in you, that loved you, that trusted you. Ever think that's the secret to your longevity? That you won't be allowed to silently slip away until you clean up after yourself? One can only hope...
GROW UP and be a really man.
Current mood: contemplative
Grow Up.
You'd be surprised how many times I have heard that phrase. Or maybe not, especially if you have spent any time around me at all in my 51 years. I'm not quite a candidate for the Peter Pan Club of little boys who refuse to "grow up". My wife likes to refer to me as "child-like" instead of "childish". I suspect the fact that I have collected comic books and toy trains since I was 4 years old has something to do with it. But mostly, these days, my behavior can be attributed to something else entirely.
I had a wonderful childhood. My parents were loving and caring. And although Dad was not one to say it out loud, it was always apparent that he loved me. My Big sister was also my bestest friend in the whole world. My brother...was absent most of the time. I grew up with him being a stranger for the most part. So my childhood came to a rather abrupt end when I turned 16 and I was told that my father was going to die of cancer. Hell of a birthday present. I did a lot of "growing up" in the next year as I watched my Dad deteriorate and die in the span of one year. Mom apologized to me shortly after Dad's death for losing the end of my childhood so soon and having to "grow up" so fast. Now granted, 17 isn't exactly a kid anymore, but I had figured that I would have all my teens and most of my twenties to be reckless and more concerned with having a good time than hunting down a job and becoming "responsible". Even though my brother was now part of the picture again, Dad's death kind of brought him back into the fold, I was told that I was now "the man of the family". It was cool. I loved my mom and sister and tried to rise to the occasion. I wasn't sure exactly what "the man of the family" was supposed to do, but I was willing to give it the old college try!
When I was 18 I lost my virginity. (yeah, I know, TMI...bear with me) Of course I ran to tell my favorite confidant at the time, my big sister. She was concerned or course. Insert all the lectures about unprotected sex and their consequences here... but she also seemed really down about something. During our conversations I asked when her first time was. I had no idea what was about to be said. Let's just say that I not only had to "grow up" a bit more that day, but I pretty much have not had much use for my big brother since.
When I was 19, I made one of the biggest mistakes of my lifetime. I joined the U S Postal Service instead of the Santa Fe Railroad. I had both jobs offered to me at the same time, and I zigged when I should have zagged. My upbringing suggested that the Post Office was a job for a lifetime, financially secure. One that I could eventually marry and support a family with. (I always knew that I wanted to be a Dad!) The railroad meant lots of travel away from home, even relocating away from my family. So I did the "grown-up" thing and worked for the Post Office. Goodbye dreams of being a railroad engineer, goodbye dreams of being a comicbook artist. In my mind, those were the wishes of a child and it was time to "grow up".
So the years passed. I married well. We had three terrific kids. We bought a house in a declining neighborhood. We became involved with some of the most dysfunctional families in Mesa AZ you can imagine. We went through two burglaries. Our house was burned down. (arson) My health started to decline. Things started to sour at the PO. And through it all, I was a "grown-up". I coped the best I could, I made a lot of lemonade. I reasoned and explained away a lot of stuff. And in the end, I learned a very valuable lesson.
Grown Ups get to grab their ankles and take it up the backside.
No one is there with a gold medal or a pat on the head to tell you what a good doobie you were. You have to hope those all those Sunday school promises of getting your reward in Heaven pan out. Frankly, I'm a skeptic.
So I did the "grow up" thing for a large part of my adulthood. I learned to become a "really man" as one my charming and slightly grammatically challenged nieces pointed out. When I hit 50 I fell back on one of my favorite sayings...
It's NEVER too late to have a happy childhood.
I always wanted to be one of those cranky, yet somehow charmingly eccentric old people when I become a senior. As my wife pointed out, I'm a cranky, somehow charmingly eccentric fifty-something now, so it shouldn't be much of a stretch for me. Point is people, I did the grown up thing. I know how to be a grown up. And I know when it is to your advantage to backslide and indulge yourself time and again. If it is ever within my power, I will never be taken advantage of or abused by family, friends, or neighbors ever again. Not without a reckoning. And I'm not talking revenge here...that would be rather petty...even for ME! Besides, living well is the best revenge. And bless their hearts, my wife and kids, in the face of all the adversity we have faced, have indeed, lived very well. We have each other. And we always will. That's the best of all worlds.
Current mood: contemplative
Grow Up.
You'd be surprised how many times I have heard that phrase. Or maybe not, especially if you have spent any time around me at all in my 51 years. I'm not quite a candidate for the Peter Pan Club of little boys who refuse to "grow up". My wife likes to refer to me as "child-like" instead of "childish". I suspect the fact that I have collected comic books and toy trains since I was 4 years old has something to do with it. But mostly, these days, my behavior can be attributed to something else entirely.
I had a wonderful childhood. My parents were loving and caring. And although Dad was not one to say it out loud, it was always apparent that he loved me. My Big sister was also my bestest friend in the whole world. My brother...was absent most of the time. I grew up with him being a stranger for the most part. So my childhood came to a rather abrupt end when I turned 16 and I was told that my father was going to die of cancer. Hell of a birthday present. I did a lot of "growing up" in the next year as I watched my Dad deteriorate and die in the span of one year. Mom apologized to me shortly after Dad's death for losing the end of my childhood so soon and having to "grow up" so fast. Now granted, 17 isn't exactly a kid anymore, but I had figured that I would have all my teens and most of my twenties to be reckless and more concerned with having a good time than hunting down a job and becoming "responsible". Even though my brother was now part of the picture again, Dad's death kind of brought him back into the fold, I was told that I was now "the man of the family". It was cool. I loved my mom and sister and tried to rise to the occasion. I wasn't sure exactly what "the man of the family" was supposed to do, but I was willing to give it the old college try!
When I was 18 I lost my virginity. (yeah, I know, TMI...bear with me) Of course I ran to tell my favorite confidant at the time, my big sister. She was concerned or course. Insert all the lectures about unprotected sex and their consequences here... but she also seemed really down about something. During our conversations I asked when her first time was. I had no idea what was about to be said. Let's just say that I not only had to "grow up" a bit more that day, but I pretty much have not had much use for my big brother since.
When I was 19, I made one of the biggest mistakes of my lifetime. I joined the U S Postal Service instead of the Santa Fe Railroad. I had both jobs offered to me at the same time, and I zigged when I should have zagged. My upbringing suggested that the Post Office was a job for a lifetime, financially secure. One that I could eventually marry and support a family with. (I always knew that I wanted to be a Dad!) The railroad meant lots of travel away from home, even relocating away from my family. So I did the "grown-up" thing and worked for the Post Office. Goodbye dreams of being a railroad engineer, goodbye dreams of being a comicbook artist. In my mind, those were the wishes of a child and it was time to "grow up".
So the years passed. I married well. We had three terrific kids. We bought a house in a declining neighborhood. We became involved with some of the most dysfunctional families in Mesa AZ you can imagine. We went through two burglaries. Our house was burned down. (arson) My health started to decline. Things started to sour at the PO. And through it all, I was a "grown-up". I coped the best I could, I made a lot of lemonade. I reasoned and explained away a lot of stuff. And in the end, I learned a very valuable lesson.
Grown Ups get to grab their ankles and take it up the backside.
No one is there with a gold medal or a pat on the head to tell you what a good doobie you were. You have to hope those all those Sunday school promises of getting your reward in Heaven pan out. Frankly, I'm a skeptic.
So I did the "grow up" thing for a large part of my adulthood. I learned to become a "really man" as one my charming and slightly grammatically challenged nieces pointed out. When I hit 50 I fell back on one of my favorite sayings...
It's NEVER too late to have a happy childhood.
I always wanted to be one of those cranky, yet somehow charmingly eccentric old people when I become a senior. As my wife pointed out, I'm a cranky, somehow charmingly eccentric fifty-something now, so it shouldn't be much of a stretch for me. Point is people, I did the grown up thing. I know how to be a grown up. And I know when it is to your advantage to backslide and indulge yourself time and again. If it is ever within my power, I will never be taken advantage of or abused by family, friends, or neighbors ever again. Not without a reckoning. And I'm not talking revenge here...that would be rather petty...even for ME! Besides, living well is the best revenge. And bless their hearts, my wife and kids, in the face of all the adversity we have faced, have indeed, lived very well. We have each other. And we always will. That's the best of all worlds.
I don't know Karate, but I do know Ca-razy, and I will use it.
Current mood: crazy
Psychotic. Crazy Ass. Fruit Loops. Fat Boy. One sandwich short a picnic. Not all of his dogs are barking. Fatso. Overly Obese. Chunko. Pick one.
I've been a fat kid most of my life. So being called names is nothing new to me. Over the years I have learned to embrace several of them. Self deprecating humor has always been in my arsenal. And as my sister opined in a correspondense long ago, I am gifted with an acid tongue. She warned that I am probably not one to get involved with in a war with words.
How true.
People that know me well are very well aware of this. Those of you who do not know me so well... let's just say you've been a great source of amusement to me. Yes, Virginia, I can be a "heartless bastard of a felon". I've rarely professed to be anything else where some people are concerned. On the other hand, I can be a real pussycat or teddybear. An old friend of mine during my post office days put it this way...
"Tony is the best friend you could ever have. But if you ever cross him, he will flay you alive."
In my youth, I was scarred by insensitive words and insults. I learned early on that you can do more lasting damage with a well turned phrase than a closed fist. Bruises heal. My kind of damage can go deep into someone's psyche. You might forgive some of the things I've said to you...but you'll never forget them. Even if you profess that I didn't scrape a nerve. We both know better.
And so I've been labeled as the Psychotic Father, the Malicious Crazy Uncle...He's fucking nuts! Y'know, I don't have a problem with that.
Life changes over the past 10 years have helped to forge me into the man that I am today. Literally forged in fire, you might say. (Another reference to life on Argon St...coming soon to a blog near you)
Here's the bottom line folks. I never was a fan of taking the high road. There are no rewards waiting for me in Heaven. And for all those years that I did take the high road, people were more than happy to take advantage.
Ca-razy? Crazy like a fox.
Current mood: crazy
Psychotic. Crazy Ass. Fruit Loops. Fat Boy. One sandwich short a picnic. Not all of his dogs are barking. Fatso. Overly Obese. Chunko. Pick one.
I've been a fat kid most of my life. So being called names is nothing new to me. Over the years I have learned to embrace several of them. Self deprecating humor has always been in my arsenal. And as my sister opined in a correspondense long ago, I am gifted with an acid tongue. She warned that I am probably not one to get involved with in a war with words.
How true.
People that know me well are very well aware of this. Those of you who do not know me so well... let's just say you've been a great source of amusement to me. Yes, Virginia, I can be a "heartless bastard of a felon". I've rarely professed to be anything else where some people are concerned. On the other hand, I can be a real pussycat or teddybear. An old friend of mine during my post office days put it this way...
"Tony is the best friend you could ever have. But if you ever cross him, he will flay you alive."
In my youth, I was scarred by insensitive words and insults. I learned early on that you can do more lasting damage with a well turned phrase than a closed fist. Bruises heal. My kind of damage can go deep into someone's psyche. You might forgive some of the things I've said to you...but you'll never forget them. Even if you profess that I didn't scrape a nerve. We both know better.
And so I've been labeled as the Psychotic Father, the Malicious Crazy Uncle...He's fucking nuts! Y'know, I don't have a problem with that.
Life changes over the past 10 years have helped to forge me into the man that I am today. Literally forged in fire, you might say. (Another reference to life on Argon St...coming soon to a blog near you)
Here's the bottom line folks. I never was a fan of taking the high road. There are no rewards waiting for me in Heaven. And for all those years that I did take the high road, people were more than happy to take advantage.
Ca-razy? Crazy like a fox.
Dirty Laundry
Current mood: amused
Some people have wondered why Lori puts everything going on in her life in her blogs.
The Artist creates. The writer writes. It is how a creative person deals with most if not all aspects of life. And when adversity hits, it helps to express those feelings in the written word. It tells you who your friends really are, and who you can count on.
Besides, No One in the Gervasio clan can stay silent for long. For the most part, we just don't know when to shut up! :)
Current mood: amused
Some people have wondered why Lori puts everything going on in her life in her blogs.
The Artist creates. The writer writes. It is how a creative person deals with most if not all aspects of life. And when adversity hits, it helps to express those feelings in the written word. It tells you who your friends really are, and who you can count on.
Besides, No One in the Gervasio clan can stay silent for long. For the most part, we just don't know when to shut up! :)
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